Souls R Us

FFirst off, you need to know how I love to shop. I mean I was born to shop. The thrill of the hunt for something new, the delicious uncertainty of deciding if it is really worth buying. The tang of guilt laced with a splash of indulgence. Maybe I really don’t need this pair of shoes, or blouse or…in this case…a new soul. But I want it anyway.

I found out about SoulsRUs on my Instagram feed. Isn’t it weird how you are thinking about something and then wham – there it is in your timeline?!

Apparently, this company specializes in what they call ‘lightly used’ souls. You can trade in your soul, which is great because not only do they recycle the souls, they donate one soul for every soul you buy. And you don’t have the huge hassle of getting rid of your existing soul. I mean, it sounded perfect, exactly what I was looking for.

I’ll be honest. I have some stains on my soul that really won’t come out. I was mean to my mother and she did nothing but love me too unconditionally. I dreaded opening the birthday cards she’d send me – they were so gushy and sentimental. I committed the ultimate sin by moving away. She deserved a daughter that lived around the corner and that was never going to be me.

Then there was the time I accidentally dented some dude’s car while I was trying to park. I didn’t leave a note. I just left the scene. I wasn’t running away; I had to be somewhere and couldn’t hang around writing a long apology. Besides, he had left his dog in the car and I mean… who does that??

I didn’t mean to kill our kitten. That was truly horrible and I swear it was an accident. But I never confessed to my husband that I sort of accidentally flushed the kitten down the toilet. I guess it fell in and I never noticed. Husband thinks it fell out a window, got cleaned up by the doorman and there’s just no good reason to tell him otherwise. #amIrite

So, you see, I felt like getting a new soul would be a painless way to wipe the slate clean. I could instantly be a better, cleaner person with none of the stains of my past and no obligation to be all “Gee, I’m sorry.” about anything. .

I clicked on the Instagram link, which I don’t normally do, because, you know, trackers – and followed it to their very nice, clean website. Basically, it was the same sales pitch but with more details: soul transfers, recycled souls, good deeds and donations, getting rid of stagnant energy and past sins, yadda yadda yadda.

The first step was to see if they had a compatible soul in stock. To be honest, this sort of threw me. I’m used to being able to order anything I want and get it delivered when I want it. LOVE those new companies that deliver in 15 minutes. And if it’s not perfect, I complain on Twitter in ALL CAPS. . I’m also very, very good at asking for a supervisor instead of some underling no-nothing. Never, ever get stuck at Tier 1 tech support, total waste of time. Now you understand why I was feeling a bit miffed at the idea of some faceless corporation deciding just what kind of soul would be a good fit for me. Hopefully, this SoulsRUs outfit would be as discerning as I would expect them to be.

Anyway, there was no option to bypass the questionnaire if I wanted a new soul, so of course, I clicked and got started.

This all seemed reasonable to me. As much as I would love to donate my soul, I was going to have to go for the trade-in. I mean they were going to give me one eon in paradise for my slightly stained, used soul. Who wouldn’t take that deal? I told you. I live for the thrill of a good deal when I’m shopping.

I signed the contract and read through the deposit requirement. The contract wouldn’t become an active order until they had a deposit in hand. The instructions read: “The deposit must be something you love deeply but are willing to give up.” Chocolate? Would that be good enough to activate my order? No. I actually need chocolate, so that was out. Husband? Hmmm…could work, but then again he pays the rent and my credit card bills. It was going to have to be Sally. She’s only a year old and I love my daughter, but she has seriously cut down on my ‘ME” time. Besides, she’s so young, she probably hasn’t grown into her soul yet, so I figured this would work. I could have a brand new baby when I got my clean soul. Win-Win. Right?

It’s quiet around the house without the baby and my husband isn’t really into the whole idea of we will just make a new one. I don’t know what his problem is. Especially after I explained why I needed it. Some husbands just don’t ‘get’ it.

I keep checking my email to track the delivery of my new soul. Right now they are processing the order, and I should have the shipping details in the next ten days or so. I can’t wait. I mean…what could possibly go wrong?

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